Last week marked my 28th year of somehow still being alive. Astounding to think that 10 years ago I was merely graduating from high school and now I work in a profession that requires life and death decisions. Crazy how much changes in 10 years, and also how little.
In looking back on my life and accomplishments, I felt that it would be helpful to acknowledge what I have accomplished and where I can continue to grow. I feel that life has three sectors: professional, personal, and social. Considering that I’m an INTJ, essentially highly logical, it’s no surprise that I divided my life in that form. So let’s get to it then.
In my professional life, I believe I’ve done very well. I’m in a job that I love and look forward to going to each day, even when I tell myself that I don’t. That’s always a blatant lie, especially when I get to work and can’t stop smiling. What a goof. I work at a first class facility, have a good salary, and am involved in a manner where I feel that my career can grow. The team I work with is amazing and nearly two years into this job I still can’t believe I get to be a nurse to kids in an emergency setting and that I actually am capable of some of the things I’ve done at my job. In the professional sector of my life, I’d say that I am highly successful. It’s definitely the most successful area of my life and I’m fully satisfied with it at this juncture.
When looking at what could be improved upon in my professional life, there are several things. One of the aspects that we are encouraged upon is certification and I have yet to take the test for the Certified Pediatric Emergency Nurse certification. The test is costly and I have a huge fear of failing it, even though I’ve seen many of my colleagues take it and pass. So in this 28th year of life, I’m going to take it and I know I can pass as long as I can overcome my fear of failure. I’d also like to climb the clinical ladder at work and apply for the next rung on the ladder next year, so that means I need to ensure that I gather enough points for my advancement. I’m already making good progress as a member of four committees, so it’s a start.
In the personal sense, I’d say I’m successful yet not satisfied. I live in a standard apartment that costs too much thanks to where I live. I did get a cat in November of last year named Toothless and he has way too much love it’s ridiculous. He’s a huge responsibility, but he’s worth it. I’m glad I’ve managed to make it on my own as in this day and age it’s a huge accomplishment, however I’ve yet to be satisfied with my personal life.
My biggest failure in my personal life is in the romantic sense. I’ve yet to ever embark on a relationship with anyone, primarily because it takes me forever to develop feelings towards another and when I do, I tend not to act on them and the moment passes. Each time I’ve had feelings for another, I can perfectly recall a moment that I like to call the zenith where we were given the opportunity to change the trajectory for ourselves and both of us did nothing allowing everything to instead fizzle as we moved on with our own lives. For instance in college there was this guy a little older than me whom I hung out with on a weekly basis. I’d go over to his dorm and we’d watch Heroes and play video games together and this went on for nearly a year, both of us clicking ridiculously well. He even managed to get me a position on the school senate where we sniggered at the ridiculous school politics during meetings. I had feelings for him and I remember one night we were sitting on his couch together as he worked on something on his laptop. I remember quietly working up the courage to say something, anything, about how I really felt, but I wasn’t able to produce the words as I was fearful of rejection. The night passed uneventfully, he graduated that year and moved to the opposite cost to work on diabetes research. The friendship faded and I haven’t heard from him in two years.
It’s that fear of rejection which stems from my teen years where I was consistently rejected by others that holds me back in this area. This past year was intriguing in the romantic sense. I had two small romantic ventures that didn’t progress into anything major. The first was with a man I met at a gallery event who could never step up and the second with a man I met online who I shared my first kiss with, however due to his dated belief on gender roles I ended it after the third date. I realized that I despise online dating and that dating in general is simply horrid.
The only way I feel that I can make any progress in this area is to get out of my apartment more. I tend to spend my days off cooped up indoors, only going out for grocery trips and other errands. There are several activities I’d like to try such as sword fighting and surfing, so I figure I need to do them and meet new people.
Getting out more will also help with my waning social portion of my life. All of my local friends are from work and several friendships from back home are becoming strained and tense thanks to us moving in different directions. I won’t go into specifics on the latter. Becoming involved in more activities will certainly help with my social life as I meet new people and make new friends. I’m happy to say that my trust in others is finally restored as I have moved forward about 95% from the occurrence last year. To review I had a very close friend for nearly 4 years who, after a major argument, decided to e-mail me in order to inform me that our friendship was over. It sent me into a spiral and led to a great deal of self analysis. It messed with my head so much to the point where I became suspicious of my other friends, fearful that they would abandon me at the first sign of trouble just like this person did. It wasn’t until I unfairly accused a friend of leaving me out of a party that I realized just how much this fear had consumed me. This realization enabled me to move forward and become stronger and to reconnect with old friends. It also made me never want to put anyone through what this person put me through and to ensure that my friends knew that I was there for them no matter what.
Overall I’m successful in my life, but there is still a lot of work to do before I’m fully satisfied. So in the spirit of self evaluation since we’re in the midst of that at work, consider this my personal evaluation. I’m successful, yet not satisfied. Maybe like Angelica Schuyler, I will never be satisfied. I’ll certainly work to change that though.