So I’m 28…Okay Then

Last week marked my 28th year of somehow still being alive. Astounding to think that 10 years ago I was merely graduating from high school and now I work in a profession that requires life and death decisions. Crazy how much changes in 10 years, and also how little.

In looking back on my life and accomplishments, I felt that it would be helpful to acknowledge what I have accomplished and where I can continue to grow. I feel that life has three sectors: professional, personal, and social. Considering that I’m an INTJ, essentially highly logical, it’s no surprise that I divided my life in that form. So let’s get to it then.

In my professional life, I believe I’ve done very well. I’m in a job that I love and look forward to going to each day, even when I tell myself that I don’t. That’s always a blatant lie, especially when I get to work and can’t stop smiling. What a goof. I work at a first class facility, have a good salary, and am involved in a manner where I feel that my career can grow. The team I work with is amazing and nearly two years into this job I still can’t believe I get to be a nurse to kids in an emergency setting and that I actually am capable of some of the things I’ve done at my job. In the professional sector of my life, I’d say that I am highly successful. It’s definitely the most successful area of my life and I’m fully satisfied with it at this juncture.

When looking at what could be improved upon in my professional life, there are several things. One of the aspects that we are encouraged upon is certification and I have yet to take the test for the Certified Pediatric Emergency Nurse certification. The test is costly and I have a huge fear of failing it, even though I’ve seen many of my colleagues take it and pass. So in this 28th year of life, I’m going to take it and I know I can pass as long as I can overcome my fear of failure. I’d also like to climb the clinical ladder at work and apply for the next rung on the ladder next year, so that means I need to ensure that I gather enough points for my advancement. I’m already making good progress as a member of four committees, so it’s a start.

In the personal sense, I’d say I’m successful yet not satisfied. I live in a standard apartment that costs too much thanks to where I live. I did get a cat in November of last year named Toothless and he has way too much love it’s ridiculous. He’s a huge responsibility, but he’s worth it. I’m glad I’ve managed to make it on my own as in this day and age it’s a huge accomplishment, however I’ve yet to be satisfied with my personal life.

My biggest failure in my personal life is in the romantic sense. I’ve yet to ever embark on a relationship with anyone, primarily because it takes me forever to develop feelings towards another and when I do, I tend not to act on them and the moment passes. Each time I’ve had feelings for another, I can perfectly recall a moment that I like to call the zenith where we were given the opportunity to change the trajectory for ourselves and both of us did nothing allowing everything to instead fizzle as we moved on with our own lives. For instance in college there was this guy a little older than me whom I hung out with on a weekly basis. I’d go over to his dorm and we’d watch Heroes and play video games together and this went on for nearly a year, both of us clicking ridiculously well. He even managed to get me a position on the school senate where we sniggered at the ridiculous school politics during meetings. I had feelings for him and I remember one night we were sitting on his couch together as he worked on something on his laptop. I remember quietly working up the courage to say something, anything, about how I really felt, but I wasn’t able to produce the words as I was fearful of rejection. The night passed uneventfully, he graduated that year and moved to the opposite cost to work on diabetes research. The friendship faded and I haven’t heard from him in two years.

It’s that fear of rejection which stems from my teen years where I was consistently rejected by others that holds me back in this area. This past year was intriguing in the romantic sense. I had two small romantic ventures that didn’t progress into anything major. The first was with a man I met at a gallery event who could never step up and the second with a man I met online who I shared my first kiss with, however due to his dated belief on gender roles I ended it after the third date. I realized that I despise online dating and that dating in general is simply horrid.

The only way I feel that I can make any progress in this area is to get out of my apartment more. I tend to spend my days off cooped up indoors, only going out for grocery trips and other errands. There are several activities I’d like to try such as sword fighting and surfing, so I figure I need to do them and meet new people.

Getting out more will also help with my waning social portion of my life. All of my local friends are from work and several friendships from back home are becoming strained and tense thanks to us moving in different directions. I won’t go into specifics on the latter. Becoming involved in more activities will certainly help with my social life as I meet new people and make new friends. I’m happy to say that my trust in others is finally restored as I have moved forward about 95% from the occurrence last year. To review I had a very close friend for nearly 4 years who, after a major argument, decided to e-mail me in order to inform me that our friendship was over. It sent me into a spiral and led to a great deal of self analysis. It messed with my head so much to the point where I became suspicious of my other friends, fearful that they would abandon me at the first sign of trouble just like this person did. It wasn’t until I unfairly accused a friend of leaving me out of a party that I realized just how much this fear had consumed me. This realization enabled me to move forward and become stronger and to reconnect with old friends. It also made me never want to put anyone through what this person put me through and to ensure that my friends knew that I was there for them no matter what.

Overall I’m successful in my life, but there is still a lot of work to do before I’m fully satisfied. So in the spirit of self evaluation since we’re in the midst of that at work, consider this my personal evaluation. I’m successful, yet not satisfied. Maybe like Angelica Schuyler, I will never be satisfied. I’ll certainly work to change that though.

Wordbound #3

All right time to continue playing catch up with Wordbound! One day I’m gonna make it! Here’s the third prompt:

Week 3 – Jan 18, 2017: There is a door. It is closed.

Hours passed in the ER family waiting room as Trent waited anxiously with his mother, Sylvia, for word on Myra’s condition. His foot tapped constantly and he wrung his hands tightly, fearing the worst. Each time control of his emotions was nearly lost, his mother was there with a quick hug and soothing words of comfort.

When the balding doctor, Dr. Hearst, that had greeted him upon arrival strode back out, Trent looked up and met his gaze hoping for some answers. The doctor was unreadable as years of experience had hardened him to tragic situations and had taught him how to perfectly control his facial expressions.

“Trent,” the doctor greeted as he sat across from Trent and Sylvia. “Myra is stable, for now.” Trent breathed a huge sigh of relief and leaned back in his chair, cupping his face in his hands.

“Thank you, thank you,” he repeatedly mumbled in a choked voice.

“She’s not out of the woods yet though,” Dr. Hearst continued. “We had to intubate her in order to protect her airway because the CT scan of her head showed bleeding in her brain. I’m sorry to tell you this, but due to the bleeding in her brain we cannot say if or when she will wake up.” Trent stiffened and looked up at the doctor.

“What?” he managed to get out.

“Myra is in a coma and we do not know if or when she will wake up,” Dr. Hearst repeated. Trent stifled a sob and clenched his hand in a fist, pounding it against his leg.

“Was there any other damage, doctor?” Sylvia inquired as she wrapped her arm around her son supportively.

“Some lacerations that we have repaired, several broken ribs, and a laceration on her liver that we’re only monitoring at this time. It doesn’t appear to need surgical repair and will likely heal on it’s own.” There were several moments of silence as Trent and Sylvia absorbed this information.

“Can we…can we see her?” Trent shakily asked. Dr. Hearst nodded and motioned for the two follow him. They walked down the emergency department hall, past patients moaning in pain and yelling for attention, however Trent heard none of it. All he heard was a dull ringing as he focused on putting one foot in front of another to get to his friend.

Soon they were standing before a closed metal door. Dr. Hearst placed his hand on the handle, however before pushing down he turned to Trent and Sylvia. “I must warn you before we go in, there are going to be a lot of tubes and wires as well as machines around Myra. They are all vital to keeping her alive and myself as well as the bedside nurse will answer any questions you may have.”

“Are you ready to go in?” Trent inhaled deeply and looked over at his mother who gave him a meek smile through her tear stained face. Nodding at the doctor, Trent steeled himself.

The door swung open and Trent and his mother entered. He felt his knees go a little weak upon seeing Myra. She lay on a gurney in the center of the room, a tube coming out of her mouth and several other tubes and wires coming out from her arms and beneath her gown. Her face looked peaceful as the rhythmic beeping of the machine breathing for her matched the rise and fall of her chest. The monitor above quietly displayed her life signs as a petite brunette haired woman stood nearby at a computer typing away. Bags of various colored fluid hung above Myra and pumps for the fluid beeped in a cacophony of stinging sound.

Dr. Hearst stood nearby explaining each device and medication, however Trent didn’t hear a word as he numbly strode across the room towards the chair next to Myra’s gurney and fell into it. He shakily reached out a hand and stroked her long black hair that cascaded messily all about her. His hand moved downward until it met her hand and enclosed it in a tight embrace. Her hand felt like ice to him and her fingers hung limply in his grasp.

“I’m so…I’m so sorry,” he half sobbed. If only they hadn’t argued, she wouldn’t have departed so hurriedly and gotten into the accident. “Can I stay with her?”

Dr. Hearst looked over sympathetically. “For a little while, however we will be transporting her to the Intensive Care Unit in a few moments and unfortunately visiting hours for the floor have ended for the day.” Trent nodded in understanding. “You’ll be able to return in the morning at 8 AM.”

Dr. Hearst placed his hand on Trent’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I can assure you that your friend will be in good hands. When you are ready, go home and get some rest. You will be better able to support your friend if you take care of yourself too.” Departing the room, Dr. Hearst gave a small nod of encouragement to Sylvia who knelt down by her son and gripped his shoulders.

“Oh honey,” Sylvia started.

“It’s all my fault, mom.” Trent then broke down in shuddering sobs as his mother held him close wishing she could do more for her son in this moment.

Wordbound #2

Hey all, continuing with my writing exercises with the second prompt from Wordbound. The prompt is as follows:

Wordbound #2: A character writes a secret message somewhere. 

All righty, here goes then.

The fall leaves that littered the ground crunched beneath Mal’s black boots as she treaded deeper into the forest on the outskirts of town. Today marked ten years since the disappearance of her mother after she went out for a walk with her tracks mysteriously ending in this very forest. The waning afternoon sun peaked through the trees as Mal swatted away at a mosquito and shifted her backpack on her shoulder. A small smile crept on her face as she came upon a clearing marked with a cave straight ahead of her. This was the last known location of her mother and where Mal came to each year on her birthday in order to feel close to her.

Her hand reached out and rested on the dry bark of one of the trees that graced the cave edge. “Mom,” she breathed, wiping a tear off her cheek. “I…I miss you so much.” Sighing deeply Mal sat upon the leaf covered ground and threw her backpack over, unzipping and grabbing several sheets of paper with a pencil from it. She tapped the pencil against her mouth in thought wondering what she should tell her mother this year.

After several moments had gone by, she pressed the pencil to the paper and began to write. “Dear Mom…” Dear Mom indeed. She frowned a little then continued to write. “Can’t believe it’s been ten years since you’ve been gone. Dad still continues to drown his guilt in beer which basically makes him nonexistent in my life. School is going all right, I guess. I’m seventeen today which makes me practically an adult. Wish you were here to help me figure things out. I get bullied on by the other girls for not being into the usual stuff, y’know, like makeup, boys, and pop music. Were you ever into those things? It’d be nice to talk to you about all of that.

Anyways, not much else has changed since my letter last year. I’ve started my senior year which means I have to start thinking about college. I have no clue what I want to do or be, which is making my school counselor quite squirrely. I must have taken 20 career tests by now, all of which point to vastly different options. Guess I’m an enigma or something. Heh.

Regardless, each year that passes I still hope that you’ll randomly return into our lives and make everything all right. I still miss you and I know dad does, too. With love, Mallory.”

Mal read and reread her letter several times before folding it up, writing “Mom” on the front, and preparing to tape it to one of the trees as she had always done. She knew that her mother didn’t read them- how could she? For Mal at least though, it was the only way she knew to stay connected with her mother and no one else, not even her father, knew that she did this each year. A strong gust of wind swept up and out of the cave blasting Mal and causing her to lose her grip on the letter.

“No!” she cried while reaching out fruitlessly to regain the letter. Her vision was soon blinded by a brilliant light emanating from the cave alongside a rumbling sound that shook the very ground Mal stood on. Her first instinct was to immediately run off to safety, however curiosity got the better of her. “What if…” she thought to herself as she turned back to the direction of the cave. This could be her mother’s response, or at the very least an answer to what caused her disappearance so many years ago. Mal cautiously started towards the cave. “This is crazy,” she scolded herself, however curiosity continued to drive her farther and farther towards the light from the cave. Before she knew it, the ground beneath her was no more and she was falling with swirling light cascading all around her and no one to hear her surprised scream.

WordBound #1

One of the first things I’m going to do is follow Kristina Horner’s WordBound prompts because they’re actually really good and already have my brain cogs going high speed. The first one is as follows:

Blogging Prompt: What are your personal writing goals for 2017, and what does #wordbound means to you?

My personal writing goals for 2017 are as follows:

  1. Write on each day that I have off from work. Trying to write on days that I work is impossible because I work 12 hours and literally only have energy for that on those days.
  2. Develop my three big idea stories more and select one to go into full development mode.
  3. Have at least a first draft of selected idea by fall of this year.
  4. Have a full edit done into second draft by end of the year.

For me #wordbound means to develop my stories more and challenge myself to think outside the box. It’s to test out new ideas utilizing the prompts and seeing what characters need more work and what new ideas and characters come out of the prompts.

I’m excited to do this! I do have several #wordbound prompts to catch up on, so expect that this week on my days off from work.

The First Post…

Diving back into blogging, so may as well caveat this post by stating that this will not really be a personal blog. It will rather be a home for my creative works. I am attempting to push myself to work more on my creative story ideas. Presently I have three major story ideas that have been rattling in my head for years, however I have spent little time actually making any of them into a reality. I figured the best place to get started would be to start rebuilding my creative writing muscles by utilizing my story ideas in story prompts found online each week. Once I feel that I am back up to speed, I shall work towards selecting the story idea with the best development potential and dedicating weekly time towards realizing it fully. So, guess I should at least say what the story ideas are. Here goes:

Imaginary

When young Trent McConnell and his family move to the small town of Sierra Falls, his world is forever changed upon meeting the girl across the street, Myra Fischer. Utilizing an imagination that knowns no bounds, she shows him that there is more to the world than his current bleak life which includes watching the progressive breakdown of his parents marriage. Myra’s imagination is unlike any other as she is able to enter her own mind and bring to her creations to life. By sharing her world and power of creation with Trent, they create an unbreakable bond.

Upon the demise of his parents’ marriage, Trent is whisked back to New York City by his father who has big plans for his life. It isn’t until after college graduation when Trent breaks from his father and returns to Sierra Falls that he reunites with Myra who is crestfallen to discover that Trent has given up on the power of creativity. It’s up to Myra to show him that imagination is one of the greatest powers out there as her the sanctity of her mind and life may very well depend on it.

Icebound

Abandoned as a young girl and raised in an orphanage, Iyena Stills is an embittered and cold woman who barely gets by working in a library. A chance encounter with Marcus Camden in his antique shop and an aurorite ring he has recently obtained reveals Iyena’s past and grants her the abilities of her ancestors. The two are immediately set on an adventure to prevent a power hungry military man from getting his hands on one of the greatest powers this world has ever known.

Untitled

When her mother abruptly disappeared  at her seventh birthday party ten years ago, life took a downhill turn for Mallory Hall and her father who constantly blames himself for her disappearance as they had viciously argued just prior. It isn’t until her seventeenth birthday when she stumbles upon a portal that in the back of a cave that transports her to a world plunged in darkness that she begins to learn what may have become of her mother.